I just feel incredibly defeated. I know there’s something cyclical going on, but I don’t know how to connect it to anything. My feet are… not exactly numb? Not exactly cold. I don’t know how to describe what’s wrong with them, and maybe it’s all in my head. My tremors are getting worse, but they’re so slight that I’m not sure anyone else can see them. I stutter and stumble when I speak. There are a hundred things I want to do, and I think I’m capable of most of them, but I don’t have the will to do much of anything. There’s nothing wrong with me.
I am very aware of how important I am to my children, even when I’m at my most useless. So I guess I’ve got about 15 years to figure this out, because I’m afraid once they’re grown it will be impossible to convince myself that I’m necessary.
I’m so isolated. I’ve never burned a bridge, but I’ve let them crumble with neglect until any step forward seems likely to bring the whole thing down for good.